Narcissistic abuse is a term that we are hearing more often. So what is it? Generally, it reflects the psychological and emotional harmful behaviours and patterns observed with narcissistic personality styles and other antagonistic people. The pattern of psychological neglect, invalidation, coercive control, and dehumanisation that individuals experience during narcissistic abuse can be difficult to recognise and reconcile.
Narcissistic abuse can take many forms. This type of psychological abuse can come from a parent, a family member, a romantic partner, a friend, or even a boss or co-worker. Anyone can be a victim of narcissistic abuse, regardless of their gender or background.
Narcissistic abuse is a form of manipulation and coercive control. What makes narcissistic abuse so dangerous is that some individuals can employ very covert methods to abuse their victims. Due to the very nature of their abuse, they can escape accountability because of the false persona they present to others, which is usually charming that hides their behaviours.
It is important to remember that each survivor’s experience may differ, and not all abusers display the same behaviours. However, if you resonate with the following behaviours being used on a consistent basis to undermine your wellbeing you may be dealing with a pathological individual.
- Gaslighting: A person who engages in this behaviour denies your perception of reality and minimises the impact of their abuse or unhealthy actions. They may call you “crazy”, trivialise your emotions, challenge and invalidate your thoughts, lived experiences, and may deny an event that happened while questioning your memory.
- Love Bombing: It’s not unusual for a narcissistic partner, work colleague, friend, or family member to shower you with compliments, excessive flattery, and constant attention. While this attention may seem positive at first, it’s can be a form of emotional manipulation. This is a way they can get close to you to earn your trust and eventually control you.
- Engaging in hot and cold behaviours: Behaviour that switches between a caring persona and an abusive one. This is the narcissistic abuse cycle known as idealisation, devaluation, then discard. It can include treating you cold for no apparent reason, only to return to caring and affectionate behaviour through a technique called intermittent reinforcement.
- Projection and blame shifting: Narcissistic personality styles can displace their own shortcomings and issues onto others as they try to elevate themselves at other’s expense. For instance, a narcissistic abuser may accuse you of lying when they have lied (this is sometimes referred to as DARVO: Deny, attack, reverse victim & offender).
- Pathological lying: An abuser may lie to cover up feelings of insecurity or shame. They also rewrite the abuse they have inflicted, making you look like the abuser.
- Sabotage: Disruptive interference with your endeavours (career, relationships, professional reputation, happy moments) for the purpose of gaining attention, power, revenge, or personal advantage.
- Controlling: Narcissistic personality styles need power and control over their external environment. They may try to control who you interact with, your finances, important life events, what you wear, or even your life goals and aspirations.
- Exploitation and entitlement: They will take advantage of you for their own gain and can override your boundaries.
- Lack of empathy: Narcissism can involve conscienceless acts and the inability to empathize with your feelings or see your perspective, which may result in harmful behaviour or neglect. They may be emotionally cold or distant towards your own needs and wellbeing.
- Exploiting emotional vulnerabilities: A person who engages in this behaviour exploits your emotional vulnerabilities. They may use intimate knowledge or sensitive information about you shared in trust to manipulate or emotionally wound you.
- Belittling or devaluing: You may have your achievements, hobbies or worth criticised, minimised, humiliated, or belittled. Part of a narcissistic personality style approach to controlling and manipulating others is to make others feel worthless.
- Smear campaigns: This behaviour equates to spreading lies about you or your behaviour. They recruit others as allies (known as ‘flying monkeys’); to openly denigrating you and abuse you by proxy to damage your reputation as well as to intentionally isolate you from support in case you speak up about the abuse.
- Stalking: They may show up unexpectedly, follow you, text, call or email you through anonymous accounts.
- Triangulation: This can involve you being compared to other people regarding appearance, success, personality, and other attributes to instil a sense of worthlessness.
- Volatile behaviour: Narcissistic personality styles can have difficulty regulating their emotions. You may feel as though you are “walking on eggshells” around someone with narcissism, particularly in relation to “narcissistic rage” which can present irrational and unpredictable.
- Financial abuse: controlling finances, accruing debts in your name.
How do I know if it is happening to me?
Narcissistic relationships with partners can be unhealthy, abusive and cause significant emotional damage, children of narcissistic individuals carry a deep sense of inadequacy, abandonment, and self-doubt, while employees are left with a depleted sense of confidence and confusion. Narcissistic abuse can cause conflict and lasting trauma.
If you have experienced narcissistic abuse, you may suffer from clinical anxiety or depression as well as low self-esteem, indecisiveness, or shame. Victims of narcissistic abuse may experience symptoms similar to those of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), or Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder encompassing intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, and avoidance behaviours. This can be referred to as ‘narcissistic abuse syndrome’ or ‘narcissistic victim syndrome’.
I provide psychology services for people who have difficulties dealing with partners, employers, parents, or family members that are on the mild, moderate, and severe end of the narcissistic spectrum.
If you feel that you are struggling with challenges in your life from Narcissistic Abuse and need help to heal through therapy and counselling and don’t know where to begin, please reach out and contact me to see if my service is a good fit for you.
